I don’t feel right, I feel very much left. Left behind. I feel my colleagues can go much deeper than me, while I still can’t manage to puncture the surface and start digging. I hate watching people dig around me, and not having the capacity to dig myself. I feel stupid, in a way.
I feel like I am always two steps behind, desperate to catch up, but instead of «cath» it becomes «fuck» – so I fuck up.
In my desperation I feel I throw up proposals, and I have no clue about what is too much, or not enough, or what works and what doesn’t, but I just keep on vomiting my insides out. I propose, and propose over, and propose again. And I am equally surprised when things work, as I am when things don’t work. Is THIS ok, and that NOT…?
I feel like I’m standing on the outside looking in through a glass door, and I can see people talking and discussing, but I can’t fully understand what they are saying, because I can only hear them partially. And obviously, they can’t hear me either. And I don’t have the key to this stupid door, and I can’t read lips, so I get really frustrated and start shouting instead of speaking, to see if my ideas can perforate the glass door in that way. It’s not a very efficiant method…
“Riga (/ˈriːɡə/; Latvian: Rīga, pronounced [ˈriːɡa] ) is the capital and largest city of Latvia. With 693,064 inhabitants (January 2014), Riga is the largest city of the Baltic states and home to more than one third of Latvia’s population. The city lies on the Gulf of Riga, at the mouth of the Daugava. Riga’s territory covers 307.17 km2 (118.60 sq mi) and lies between 1 and 10 metres (3.3 and 32.8 ft) above sea level, on a flat and sandy plain.”
I have never been to Riga. I fucking hate Riga right now.
– the very irrational Tanja